Saturday, May 30, 2009

Giving Thanks

As I grow older (and hopefully wiser), there are situations where I've changed my thinking. I remember when my own children were very young, I prompted them into saying certain things, like "thank you," and "I'm sorry." and "please forgive me" -- especially to adults. I suppose it starts with good intentions -- you want to teach your child to be polite. But where are the good parental intentions supposed to stop and when are the childs' natural and own sentiments expressed?

I cringe internally when I hear a parent instructing their child to "tell Billy you're sorry for hitting him." Do you think that child is really sorry? I'd put money on that he wasn't (or else why would he haul off and punch Billy?). But it sure makes the parent feel better, doesn't it? In my opinion, the parent sees their child's bad behavior as a reflection on them, as a parent.

At my preschool, I am more interested in what made that child hit Billy, instead of quickly wrapping the situation up with a forced "sorry." Getting to the root of a situation is very telling, and that is not to say that hitting is ok, but let's hear what both sides have to say before we shut the book on the issue.

As a child I was taught to write thank-you cards for the gifts that I received. I grew to absolutely love writing them! My grandma saved all the cards that I wrote to her, and when she died I got some of them back. Reading the notes, I could tell they were written from my heart -- probably way more than what was necessary in a thank-you note. I taught my children the same: if someone is nice enough to think of you and give you a gift, you need to thank them. And my kids do...some of the time. But instead of thinking how badly it is reflected on me as their parent when they don't write a thank-you, it's a reflection on them. I don't guilt my kids into writing -- they are all bright young adults who know right from wrong.

So, why did I come up with this topic to write about? Today I went to Costco with ALL of my kids -- I didn't ask any of them, they just came along for the ride. We had a great time... everyone got along and helped out with choosing the food. I took them to Qdoba for lunch, and as we were walking to the car, my son put his arm around me (yes, in public!), gave me a squeeze, and said "thanks, mom for a great day."

And it came straight from his heart.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Dating...am I really ready?

The phrase "Meg dating" to me is as foreign to my ears as is Latin -- it just doesn't make any sense. However, two separate incidents have happened to me in the past week that have got me thinking about, well, dating.

After my divorce in August of 2005, I promised myself and my kids that I would not even consider dating until my youngest daughter, Emily, graduated from high school (June 2012). The way my kids' dad left, remarried, and told his kids about it after the fact, left a sour taste in all of our mouths. And I really believe that the time I have spent with just my kids has been both necessary and good. The bond between all of us became that much stronger -- the trust and compatibility that we have now is nothing less than awesome. Side note...do we still disagree at times? do my kids make me insane at times? do we all irritate each other at times? Heck, yes! But we are quick to apologize, make up, whatever is needed to restore the relationship.

I think that I, more than anyone, have gotten way too comfortable being by myself. It is not very often I have the house to myself, and when I do I usually read (and really? is there anything as wonderful as reading a good book uninterrupted?). Well, a few weeks ago there was a Saturday where all my kids were away. I was almost giddy with anticipation -- my chance for quietness, for reading, for ME! But guess what? It took me a while to put my finger on it, but when I did, the feeling shocked me...I felt loneliness. There was no one to talk to, laugh with, to just BE WITH.

Of course, I never told anyone about what I felt that day. Almost as if I was embarrassed or something. Anyway, I was talking with a girlfriend recently and I mentioned that even though my kids did not have a great role model in their dad while they were young, there were other quality men with character in their lives. My friend laughed and said my kids were grown, and if I ever remarried my new husband would probably be a role model for my grand kids, not my kids. Ouch. It wasn't meant to hurt, but it did...a little. The second incident happened today as my middle daughter Kelly and I were driving home from doing errands. Out of the blue she says, "Mom, I want you to find someone so that you won't be lonely when we are all gone." Again, ouch.

I've tried to be very conscious of the fact that I am my kids' mother, and not their friend. I've seen too many divorced parents try and turn themselves into their kids' girlfriend or buddy. I disagree, but I also understand. I have also witnessed newly divorced women and men become so lonely that they jump into a new relationship that is not healthy, and end up twice-divorced or just very unhappy. Once was enough for me, thank-you-very-much. Not looking to go through that pain and mess again.

I've often thought about what kind of person I might like to date. In fact, it was an "assignment" my therapist gave me a few years ago. I was asked to make a list of everything I would like in a partner. The characteristics that were so very important when I was younger have changed just a bit! I would love to have someone make me laugh -- I feel as though I spent so many years not laughing and being serious all the time. And a love for travel. Laughing and traveling...a good combination, I think.

So why am I writing about all this now? Well, my daughter has threatened me with this: she has promised me that she is going to enlist the help of one of my girlfriends and create a "profile" of me on one of those online dating services. Humiliating, right? And this is what she said, "I would be more honest about you than you ever would be." Alright, so hopefully I'm past the point of lying about my weight on my drivers license (wait...no, no I'm not!), but seriously? Getting dating advice from my kids is just so wrong! I am still ok with growing older with my books and pets and lunch with my girlfriends every week, but I guess if I met someone who made me laugh and took me to Italy on vacation, that too would be fine.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Letting Go

Today my son finished his last exam, and he said he "stormed it." He was in a great mood, so I assume "storming" a test means he did well. I am so happy for him -- his freshman year started out very rocky, but he seems to have gotten a handle on his life and he is now officially a sophmore.

I ask him what he plans to do with his summer (hello...? don't kids need jobs anymore?), and he tells me he is off to go camping. Immediately. Right now at 8:30 pm. Huh. From what I understand, a bunch of guys are driving up into the Rocky Mountains to camp for several days. Not at an official campground, mind you. At "a really cool, secluded area by a lake that we found last summer."

So, he's ready to go: sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, BB rifle, and sleeping bag. It is only mid-May, and the temperature at night is barely out of the 30's here in Denver. So I ask him, "honey, do you have a hoodie?" "Oh, right!" and he runs downstairs to get one. My mind is racing like a hamster wheel and the last thing I want to do is spoil his fun. But...I am a MOM, and I can't help but think of accidents, bears, foolish behavior, etc. But...he is 19, and he has made it so far, overcoming (on his own) incredible obstacles.

So, I hugged him, told him to be careful and have fun, and to please call or text me when he was on his way home. I really like his group of friends and I have to trust that all will be well and he'll return home safe and sound.

Did I mention that he doesn't receive cell service in the mountains? Breathe...breathe...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!


It's another Hallmark Holiday. Yes, I suppose it shouldn't take a day in May to show your mom how much she is appreciated, but so what? It's been around as long as I can remember and it was started with good intentions. I can remember as a child making cards with lots and lots of hearts, surrounding the word "mom." It made me feel good to be able to make my mom smile (that's mom and dad last Christmas in the photo).

I remember asking her "What do you want for Mother's Day (or birthday, or Christmas...)?" She always replied, "Nothing, honey, just you!" I remember thinking that it was a lame answer...I wanted to BUY her something pretty!

As a "seasoned" mother (with lots more challenges to come, I'm sure!), I now totally understand why she gave that answer -- I really don't need a "thing" from my kids to make me happy. Having the opportunity to watch them grow, face new situations, help them through their struggles, share in their joy -- that's what makes me happy! When my son wants to move back home because he feels loved here, when my oldest daughter out-of-the-blue tells me I'm her best friend, or when my youngest daughter shares with me how happy she is because she has her first boyfriend...these are the things that lift me up. Being a mom is the most rewarding and heartbreaking job of all time. But my kids were given to me for a reason, and I don't take that reason lightly.

So, cheers to all the wonderful, awesome, incredible moms out there! I wish my mom were here to celebrate, but that will come in July. And really? Does it matter when, as long as it happens? Already this morning my day has been brightened by my kids: sleeping in, homemade breakfast, a beautiful silver necklace with a "mom" and heart charm, a late lunch at Ted's (um, that's my kids' favorite restaurant...), and the new Star Trek movie. What more can I ask for...I have it all!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Just Because...


I find "blogging" very therapeutic. Very much like journaling, but...different.

In journaling, there are no "do-overs." What I first write down, it stays there forever. Nothing can replace a beautiful, leather-bound journal (my splurge to myself every new year) and the thoughts that transpire from words and feelings into a daily record of a tiny part of my life. However, with blogging, it is usually an idea that I have been mulling over, and to be honest, it is usually something that irks me. Something that I have a gripe about.

And really? It works! I have the pleasure of rewording sentences, erasing thoughts, adding ideas, changing fonts -- really putting MYSELF into my blog. Tiny bit of background that might help explain this: when I was 6 my favorite Christmas gift was a wicker basket filled with pencils, paper, and all kinds of fun office supplies, a bit older and I wanted to be a secretary, and to this day I still get a real thrill walking into Office Depot or Max, Paparys, and any bookstore. I love writing, reading, and someday hope to write an actual book (I've got some ideas brewing...).

But this isn't a blog about blogging. What I want to say tonight is this...this is the first evening that I can leave the windows open and welcome in the soft, sweet-smelling breeze. And just because it is so tranquil outside tonight, I am going to bed and read a book. No TV, no lap-top, no phones, no radio...just me and my thoughts.

Just because.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What Is More Important?

Excuse me while I vent...ARGH!!!!! Today something so unbelievable happened at my work, I am still in a state of shock. My place of work is a private, Christian preschool that serves 96 wonderful families. Most of the time. I have the privilege of being the director and have the most awesome staff of teachers ever. All of the time.

Morning classes went just fine, and a group of kiddos went on to "Lunch Bunch." This is an extra hour where kiddos can bring their lunch from home and eat and play with their friends. Oh yes, and it gives the parents an extra hour to themselves. At 12:30 pm, Lunch Bunch ends and kids either go home or to the afternoon class. Well, today at 12:50 pm, the Lunch Bunch teacher brought me a little 3-year old boy that had not yet been picked up by his mom. I called mom and she said she'd be right there (gave no explanation). She did not walk into my office until 1:30 pm! For those of you who are doing the math, that is ONE HOUR after pick-up time!

While the little boy was in my office, a horrible, but familiar, odor wafted past my desk. "Honey, do you have to go to the bathroom?" "No." I've been doing this a while and know not to immediately trust everything out of a child's mouth. Sure enough, the little boy didn't have to go to the bathroom because he already had in his pants. And it was the worst kind...think pea soup! Now, here is a question for all you parents -- what would you do?

Well, this mom came in talking on her cell phone. Without pausing, she took her son by the hand and started to walk out. I immediately said, "Excuse me, but he has had a humongous accident and I couldn't change him because his extra clothes were not in his back pack." Her response? "Oh, he never has accidents." HELLLLOOOO?! Do you not see and smell what I am smelling? But this mother had more important matters to tend to and gestured that she had a very important client on the phone and had "to run."

At this point, my annoyance with her blatant tardiness had vanished and was instead replaced with pure anger. In fact, I didn't trust myself to speak and had to sit down and breathe. After scrubbing the stain out on my carpet (it had better be gone by tomorrow!), I learned from one of the teachers that the mom had pulled up in her car much earlier but spent the time on her phone.

Let me just put this out there -- from a teacher's point-of-view, it is apparent from the first day of school, we can tell which children are valued and which children are "props." I would like to be able to tell you that this was a "fluke," but knowing this mother for several years I have to say it's not a surprise. Sure, this boy has every toy and video game on the market, and I'm sure his mom is so proud of her savvy techie kid. If I am still blogging in 15 years, I'll let you know what the outcome is...stay tuned.